These days of rest in Tangier compel me to delve into profound moments of reflection. Reflecting on the past, it feels nearly impossible to articulate the emotions that surge within me after four years of continuous travel. Particularly, the last two and a half years in Africa have encapsulated the sort of experiences capable of defining a turning point in my life. The myriad moments etched into my memory is immeasurable, and therein lies the most frustrating aspect. Beyond a handful of salient instances, both positive and negative, the majority will most likely remain tucked away in the recesses of my mind. Some may resurface spontaneously, triggered by certain events in the future, but the likelihood is that many will simply fade away. However, once the transformations take place, there's no turning back.
It marks the conclusion of this African journey, a span of 870 days that gradually embedded this continent beneath my skin. Within this intricate tapestry of organs, joints, vessels, tissues, neural circuits, and their corresponding consciousness, a dynamic and chaotic fusion of sensations unfolds. The spectrum spans from embodied excitement and joy to the profound shock that brings tears to my eyes and knots my neck. Amidst all this, here I stand, 55,000 km later since departing home in Chengdu, and roughly 41,000 km since leaving Cairo. Along this path that evolved into my life, I've traversed everything I envisioned and even the unforeseen. This African adventure stands as the most exhilarating and humbling rollercoaster of my life thus far. It has entertained me, brought me happiness, amused me, and filled me with joy, just as it has challenged me, shaken me, unsettled me, and provided a fair share of sadness as well.
Looking back, I sense substantial personal growth, acknowledging that, as all adults understand, learning isn't solely derived from successes and high points. On one hand, I hold dear lessons that undoubtedly shaped a pivotal juncture in my life, lessons that time will gradually allow me to articulate. On the flip side, I've also forfeited things of profound importance, as if life aims for a delicate equilibrium. The truth is, every decision we make necessitates relinquishing countless other possibilities that present themselves incessantly. The love for living this way, the love for the world, has ushered in magnificent experiences and incredible individuals into my life, albeit at the cost of leaving many others behind. In addition, a string of significant mistakes and lack of intelligence on my end, led me to lose Julia along the way – the most precious person I could have had as a life partner thus far. Despite all the gains the journey has provided, this loss has left an enduring open wound. Even today, a year and a half later, I endeavour to conceal it and heal as best as I can. I've attempted denial, positive reaffirmation, utilising other relationships as distractions, forgiving myself, and more, but nothing appears to yield an impact. It's a task that I'll need to continue navigating in the months that follow this adventure.
Embracing this life pushes me to confront the undeniable reality of uncertainty. However, let me be clear – it's not as if certainty exists outside the realm of this lifestyle. The truth is, certainty is a rare commodity regardless of the path one chooses. Nothing is certain beyond the inevitability of death and the unknown surrounding its timing and manner. Returning to my main point, there are instances where we are better served by not succumbing to the illusion that we somehow possess control and certainty over our lives. Such control has always been elusive, and living in this manner makes it easier for me to remain present and attentive to this reality. Living without knowing where I'll sleep each night, what and where my next meal will be, or where I'll find myself in the coming days or months feels more authentic to me than living under the delusion of certainty. Just because we have a secure roof over our heads and believe we have tomorrow planned doesn't guarantee that things will unfold as expected.
I still don't see the end of this trip on the horizon, although I sense the end of Africa is undoubtedly the great turning point. These days, during my walks along the Tangier waterfront, while relishing the Mediterranean vistas, I immerse myself in deep reflections. The problem with transformative experiences is that we only understand them when the transformation has already occurred. One cannot understand this from the outside, and when one finally understands it is when there is no turning back.
Hence, predicting the impact of this experience on my future life today is impossible. I'll have to let time unfold. Gradually, I'll discern the extent and depth of how this accumulation of experiences has shaped me and will influence my future decisions. While waiting, I'll continue to tread this path, savouring the enchantment of this perfect Mediterranean May weather. Fortunately, I'm accompanied by the delightful company of Francis and his wife, who hosted me in Zhuhai just a month after embarking on this trip back in 2012. In the four years that have passed since, I pedalled from that end of the planet to here, to where they coincidentally relocated. It's a unique and exciting coincidence to have begun this journey with them and now find them again in its final stretch. Their companionship is truly invaluable to me.
You may not make much sense of all this, but even as I express sincere gratitude to all of you reading, these words are primarily meant for myself. By making them public, I'm openly sharing the thoughts and reflections that pass my mind these days. I'm essentially thinking out loud and offering a glimpse into the mind of an adventurer beyond the travel stories I've been narrating.
Even though the clear days and the immaculate skies allow me to see the coast of Spain lying across the sea, it is not yet time to cross. After this break, I will leave my bike at Francis's, and I will catch the train to Casablanca to wait for the arrival of my dad. He is coming to visit me for the third time on this trip. I'm looking forward to seeing him at this emotional juncture and taking him to travel across this last African country that I crossed.
